When I was watching the debate last Wednesday, I couldn’t help but notice that nearly every news channel had something in common: a room of independent voters acting as a focus group.  At first glance, it seems legit to have this in order for viewers to get an objective look at what the candidates are saying.  But then think about it again. These people have NO OPINION on the upcoming election. Seriously? Obviously these people must be in a class of their own that is higher than the rest of the country. And based on scientific data from my mind, here are some characteristics that all “independent” voters must share:

1. They all live under rocks: Think Patrick Star’s house in Bikini Bottom. This is a pretty common expression for someone who has no idea what’s going on in society, so I think it works well here too.

2. When they read the news they choose The Onion: They must think that the pressing issues of the world today include “Man Who Cried Himself To Sleep Last Night Has Some Great Ideas For Growing Company’s Brand” or “Area Man Going To Sit Quietly In Darkened Bedroom Until Roommate’s Party Ends.”  Well I have some news for them. Don’t tell anyone, but The
Onion isn’t real news. Gasp!

3. When they watch the news they watch The Colbert Report:  Don’t tell anyone this either, but Stephen Colbert is actually a liberal pretending to be a conservative. Gasp!

4. When they hear the word “politics” the first thing that comes to mind is a glass bowl filled with millions of actual ticks: Get it? Poly-ticks. Ok, I’m sorry for that one.

5. When they eat at restaurants, they order a Coke and Water:  This is a real testament to their independence and decision making abilities. They like a little of each in moderation.

There’s just nothing like being blind to the real world.  It’s easy to see why these voters are critical to the upcoming November election. Man, sometimes I wish I could be an independent voter.  Is there anything better than being ignorant and being able to decide important elections? No, not at all.  Well, except for being an informed voter. That’s about it.

By:  Derek Wolfe

(Photo by jugbo under a Creative Commons License)