Point We, For One, Welcome Our New Google Overlords
by Every Three Weekly
Counterpoint The A Capella Problem
by The Gargoyle
By now, many of you have probably read about the University’s NextGen Collaboration Project (NGCP), which aims to implement Google Apps for Education campus-wide by August 31st, 2012. Undoubtedly, some of you may be concerned about the sudden change, especially the switch over from the archaic Webmail Maize and Blue to a new Gmail-based system. And others may find it distasteful that Google still sacrifices 19 virgins to the Search Engine Gods every Friday to prevent its competitors from gaining market share.
To all these concerns, we answer in one clear voice: We, for one, welcome our new Google overlords.
For too long, the hardworking people of Google Incorporated have been forced to scavenge all across the Web for our most sensitive nuggets of data. From Google Search, they glean our age, gender, and pornography habits. From YouTube, they learn about our taste in music, attention span, and pornography habits. Through their secret relationship with chief Facebook cyborg Mark Zuckerberg, they gather information about our family, friends, and pornography habits. From their patented Google Bedroom SpyCamTM technology they learn mainly about our pornography habits.
As any astute student of business knows, this scattershot approach to harvesting all our most personal data could never succeed in the long run. What Google needs, rather, is a vertically integrated process to collect the secrets we hold most near and dear. And it is clear that with the start of the NGCP (or, as internal Google memos refer to it, the Nexus for Googlian Control of the Populace), our favorite search provider and legal “peeping Tom” is well on its way to forcing us all into a life of indentured servitude. And we couldn’t be more excited.
Despite the many who criticize Google’s “gross invasion of privacy,” we feel that existence under the all-powerful lordship of the Google Empire would be far preferable to the life of ruthless subjugation we would face under any other search provider. Imagine the state of dysfunctional tyranny that might unfold if Ask.com attempted to establish their own Orwellian police state. How could we entrust the future of the human race to a company that used to have a cartoon butler as its mascot? (No Jeeves, that was a rhetorical question, not a search query.) The answer is clear: we would much prefer to have our lives and identities completely controlled by the kind and decent evil geniuses over at Google Inc., thank you very much.
Unfortunately, the monumental change from freedom to tyranny never happens overnight. For the first few years of the NGCP partnership, we will have to be content with merely having all our online systems integrated with Google’s. We will access our textbooks through the company’s online database, replacing the tedium of “reading” with Google’s innovative “search inside the book and skip all the boring parts” feature. Additionally, the partnership will allow Google to incorporate our search histories into our academic lives. As we submit assignments online, Google will be allowed to provide suggestions like “Would you like to mention ‘bi-racial three-ways’ in this academic paper?” and “Did you mean ‘Google is an un-evil and soul-suckingly wonderful corporation?’” The possibilities are endless.
Of course, our new “corporate partner” also stands to benefit from this initiative, making it a win-win proposition. For example, e-mails to @umich.edu accounts will be archived and analyzed to study our primitive social hierarchy, submissions to GTools will be scored by a neural-network mainframe to determine our intellectual worth, and grades submitted to Googlerine Access will be used to compute our “competence scores.” Altogether, Google will efficiently sort and rank us in preparation for our future lives of toil.
Just imagine what sorts of lives we might have under the watchful eye of our new, and possibly benevolent, overlords! Once the Great Enslavement of 2015 begins, inane concepts like majors and seniority will no longer matter, as we will simply be assigned to Laborer or Peasant castes based upon our prior test scores and web histories. Names will be phased out as well, for we will simply be known by our IP addresses. Finally, you will never have to worry about classes, assignments, or your lack of employability again, because all of us will be assigned to a life of intense labor in Google’s specially constructed “data farms.”
In the end, our partnership with Google will pave the way toward a new and harmonious society. Those deemed unsuitable for this sort of life will be assigned “spam” status and will be summarily disposed of during The Great Emptying of the Trash Folder. Ultimately, these innovations will bring the human race to a new level of efficiency and deindividuation, ideals that sit at the very core of Google’s corporate mission.
In short, we are excited for what the future holds under Google’s rule, and you should be too.
To close, we ask you one simple question: why should you support Google in its sinister bid to take over the University, and then perhaps the world? Dear reader, we are confident that, in time, you will reach the same decision we have: there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop them.
When I came to this university the streets rang unendingly with the caw of half-assed metaphors and muddled rhythm. There were poetry jams on every corner -- you couldn’t throw a rock without hitting a poet. But there were downsides as well. Espresso Royale opened a second location and DPS had their hands full with roaming gangs of intellectuals. Students could no longer walk safely at night without having to defend their theses. Eventually, the citizens banded together against these insurgents, stopped leaving food on their doorsteps, and finally let nature took its course. Shaman Drum went out of business, but Ann Arbor soldiered forward.
And so history repeats. We find ourselves embroiled in a population crisis unparalleled over the past 100 years. Today there are no less than 14 a cappella factions wandering the streets of Ann Arbor. The population has grown past its means, and U of M can no longer sustain the burden they place on the environment. Unlike the poetry clusters, we cannot wait for nature to expel these parasites. We must take action. I propose that in order to restore balance, we euthanize a substantial portion of the a cappella population.
We can no longer ignore the strain the a cappellas have placed on our university, on our city, and on our personal lives. Walking traffic has come to a complete standstill in most buildings; any platform elevated by more than two steps has at least three competing singers. They have crippled the bus system. As soon as the doors open, a cappellas burst forth in song, often tripping, falling, and getting caught in the wheel wells.
The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has found that the noise pollution from frequent concerts has actually widened the hole in the ozone layer. Several members of Good News, the Christian a cappella group, claim that God simply wants to hear their singing, while others believe he is punishing Compulsive Lyres for their sinful pun. This second claim seems to be corroborated by the outbreak of leprosy amongst the Compulsive Lyres.
The behavior of the a cappellas have caused multiple catastrophes about the city. Following a botched performance, the critters will flood the liquor stores and pharmacies, emptying the snack aisles and leaving many hungry students in their wake. They have, on occasion, been known to loot the local markets, straining the already suffering economy. After the lead singer of Kol Hakavod was heard farting during an already lackluster rendition of “Let It Be”, the cashier of White Market was found hog tied behind the counter with the shelves cleared of all crackers and hostess cakes. We cannot allow our town to become their personal vending machine
The population has proven itself incapable of sustaining a stable relationship within its own species. Just last week, the GMen (the pervert-interest group) accused Amazin’ Blue of stealing their act when they performed wearing only diapers at their most recent show. The accused responded that they hadn’t planned on matching, but “it just sort of happened.” The argument then escalated following an accusation that the ‘G’ in GMen stands for “guitar”, culminating in an Adele sing-off. Several students were called fat and many tears were shed. Eventually, their parents arrived and tensions subsided following a lecture on “sharing the stage”. Clearly, such a disturbance cannot continue.
Although the a cappella population is itself a problem, reducing it is not. Rather, it is an issue of choice. Proven solutions involve the introduction of a predator, such as bald eagles, or issuing man-hunting licenses to the super-wealthy. Many professors have placed scarecrows outside classrooms to prevent impromptu concerts during lecture, but this simply redirects the singers. By employing a more sophisticated system of scarecrows, we believe that it is possible to trick some of the simpler creatures into the gas chambers beneath C.C. Little.
Local liberals, Proponents of the Ethical Nature of A Cappella Singers (PENAS), ignore the facts and argue that the a cappella population is “Fine, totally fine. What’s your fucking problem? They’re just singing.” Although seemingly valid, further investigations of PENAS reveal their own euthanasia program; when a singer loses their voice or breaks a leg, a PENAS member will quickly intervene and have them put down. Further detractors claim that a shrinking a cappella population will adversely affect other student groups, possibly eliminating Pokémon club. In response we posit that this is a non-issue.
Although it’s easy to see both sides of the a cappella issue, we must insist that the student body grits its teeth and brings war to the a cappella overgrowth. We must act soon, for we are slipping on the fresh puke of scandal; The Michigan Daily has reported startling evidence that the eminent singer of 58 Greene was recently caught diddling a Harmonette on St. Patrick’s Day. They are reproducing, expanding, and bringing about a bleak future we simply cannot survive.
About the Issue
Point author: The Every Three Weekly, or 18.104.22.168 as it will soon be known, was recently recognized as the finest news publication on the planet by the National Enquirer and The Big Issue, a street newspaper written by hobos. The Every Three Weekly would like to stress that it was in no way paid, bribed, or granted sexual favors by Google Inc. or its affiliates for the content of this article. Although we gladly accept any such offers.
Counterpoint author: The Gargoyle has been the University of Michigan’s premier Eugenics magazine for over 100 years, reporting on overpopulation issues ranging from Engineering students to Student Government candidates who use Internet memes in their campaign.
Edited by: Carali Van Otteren
Cover by: Bekah Malover and Lulu Tang