Lindsay Lohan Must Die?

While the idea of writing about the train wreck that is Lindsay Lohan has little to no appeal to me, I was so disheartened by the headline in the Gawker this week, ”To be Successful, Lindsay Lohan Must Die” that I felt obliged to share my thoughts.

Now, before completely discrediting the article, I have to say that it was well written and included some rather valid points. Yes, if Lohan were to leave us, just like Michael Jackson, previous fans would become nostalgic for the eleven-year-old-Parent-Trap-red-head, and sympathetic for the bleach-blonde-yellow-teeth-mess that was to follow. While this article is just stating the honest shallow nature of media and those who keep up with the tabloids, I think the title of the article is just plain disturbing.

The author starts out by saying that once Lindsay had bigger issues than Aaron Carter:

[V]arious editors have asked me to pre-write obituaries for the consistently downward spiraling Ms. Lohan, just in case she finally went onto that great nightclub in the sky while I was on vacation or taking a nap.

While this may be a smart pre-emptive action as a gossip columnist, it is incredibly heartless as a human being. Instead of having any lasting sympathy or concern for the girl, America has become so bored with Lohan’s behavior that it is ready to give up on not only her career, but also her life all together! While statistically Lohan will become more successful after death, by advertising this, the author condones the idea that a life can be useless if it is of no benefit to the rest of us.

But what America loves more than a comeback is a martyr-someone who literally loses everything, including their life, because of the excesses inherent in a system that was meant to protect and nurture her.

Well, I’m sorry America, but I am going to have to disagree. I am still rooting for a comeback and not necessarily in Lindsay’s career, but in her life. With all the money she has to blow, and without a supportive family to guide her, her fans may be the only outreach left for her, before she calls it quits. I want to be nostalgic now, and think of my eight-year-old self, plopped on my couch eating peanut butter and Oreos just like Lindsay Lohan did in the Parent Trap.

By: Lauren Opatowski

(Image by PickTheCherry under a Creative Commons license.)