For decades, Michigan has been haunted by a ghastly presence that has affected the life of every student, staff member, and overfed squirrel to ever set foot (or paw) on campus. The few students brave or foolish enough to speak about it do so in hushed whispers, fearing that even the mere utterance of its name may bring about terrible consequences. This is, of course, completely unfounded, but is to be expected from a generation of Harry Potter nerds. Out of respect for the many students who refer to this terror as “It-That-Must-Not-Be-Named,” I’m hesitant to address it by its proper distinction, but the editors of CONSIDER: magazine have assured me that this is a space for free speech, and I need not censor even the most heinous of curse words, so I’ll just come right out and say it. I refer to the unholy terror incarnate that we must face nearly every day of our unfortunate lives: the block “M” on the Diag.

The origin of this cursed artifact dates back to Ancient Ann Arborian civilization, circa 1922 AD. The original “M” persevered until 1952, when it was removed, supposedly to remedy structural damage to the concrete done by time but actually to remedy structural damage to students’ souls done by stepping on the M. After its destruction in the fires of Mount Doom, a year of peace, prosperity, and bountiful harvest followed. But like a cold, brass phoenix that is also a witch, it was rebuilt a mere year later at the request of the demon-possessed class of 1953. It remains to this very day, wreaking havoc upon every new class to enroll at Michigan.

For those of you blissfully ignorant of the evils perpetuated by the block M, allow me to rob you of your innocence. Every single Michigan student who has ever stepped on the M before taking his or her first blue book examination at the university has failed the aforementioned examination. For those of you desiring so-called “statistical proof” of this curse: In a recent survey of people currently sitting in my dorm room, a full 100% reported having failed my first blue book after stepping on the M. Until recently, those afflicted by the M’s curse could free themselves from its influence through a satanic ritual which involved running naked from the bell tower to the Natural Science Museum and back at midnight before the bell stopped ringing. Regrettably, thanks to a Zionist conspiracy, the bell tower no longer rings at midnight, and now those hexed by the M are eternally damned without hope of salvation.

Of course, the M’s wicked powers are not limited to this. Every year, on a pagan holiday known as the Unhallowed Ceremony of Ceaseless Misfortune (commonly referred to by nonbelievers as the MSU game), the M emits a frequency heard only by those vile creatures known as State fans (and, for some reason, pigeons). They descend upon our campus in enraged swarms, hell-bent on destroying the M - a feat we would happily allow them to accomplish if the M did not simultaneously reach its dark tendrils into the minds of vulnerable Michigan football fans and force them against their will to defend it. Like moths to the slaughterhouse or cattle to the flame, these opposing armies are drawn to battle each other, year after year, in the name of a fearsome entity whose power neither can escape. The annual death toll exceeds that of any other University-related phenomenon, far surpassing those of fraternity hazing rituals and even post-Organic Chemistry exam mass suicides.

Naturally, the M’s power waxes and wanes with the cycle of the moon - much like witches, werewolves, and Women’s Studies majors. Students fortunate enough to encounter it at the trough of its biorhythmic cycle have reported that the experience did not cause their future exam grades to slip, but that their confrontation resulted in slipping of another kind: the literal kind. Which is, like, also pretty shitty. Have you ever fallen on concrete? It hurts. Anything that makes that many students go down must either be a cursed artifact or a GSI who offers lots of “extra credit.”

If you require further proof of the M’s foul nature, consider this carefully cherry-picked selection of words that begin with the letter M: Malicious. Molestation. Malefactor. Masochism. Malignant. Motherfucker. Moist. Clearly, we cannot allow this filthy letter to pervade and pervert our lives any longer. We must remove the block M from the Diag, posthaste. Current students must follow the example set by those brave souls that sacrificed their lives to free us from its corruption in 1952. If my completely hypothetical theories are correct, we should be able to permanently obliterate it by sacrificing forty-two virgins to it on the anniversary of its construction. Brave women of Martha Cook, we will never forget your sacrifice.

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